American Idol… oh, what was I thinking?

Dear Wednesday Night,

I want to watch American Idol, because I just love the train wreck that is… Nick… er… Rya…er…Rand… er…Mariah Carey!

However, Survivor is also on— at the same time!

And then PBS really threw a wrench into everything with their airing of the Peter, Paul and Mary 25th Anniversary Concert.

So, Wednesday night, you really got me.

I guess I’ll just youtube Puff the Magic Dragon since that’s all I really know about PPM, anyway.

And Survivor is online.

So, American Idol won. Heavy sigh.

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First off, Nicki was late because of traffic. No comment, because I really do like her. But how embarrassing and diva-like. Your name isn’t Justin Bieber, Ms. Minaj.

Now, I’m not going to do this every week. Because, quite frankly, nobody cares. But I’d like to share some thoughts about this week’s performances.

This week, the idols were required to sing a song from a previous Idol winner. Talk about shameless self-promotion! I do it all the time, admittedly. But I’m a small-time author, not a mega-monster former hit show!

Dim the lights, here we go:

CURTIS FINCH JUNIOR

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This song by Fantasia, I Believe, has always bothered me. I always thought it was due to her lack of reading ability, but Fantasia always sang, “catched a shooting star…”. Yeah, catched. Well, Curtis sang it the same way. So grammar doesn’t matter anymore in popular music.

What was up with that Paisley jacket? Did Curtis borrow it from the pre-deal-a-meal Richard Simmons?

Keith Urban is so ridiculous. How much time does he spend on his hair? Does Nicole just sit there and flat-iron for him? Is that where she’s been?

 

JANELLE ARTHUR

What’s with these short skirts? She obviously can’t walk by the children’s department without stopping.

Thank God Nicki showed up. She is the only reason I can watch. What a character. Like the black, blonde Betty Boop with a slightly more nasal voice.

 

DEVIN VELEZ

“I can do more than just the ballads and Spanish.” Ok. But this was still a ballad, in my opinion. If the song doesn’t provide opportunity for movement = ballad.

Mariah Carey evidently discovered that they make shirts with necklines nowadays.

 

ANGIE MILLER

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Is that Miley Cyrus with a wig on? Did they stock the dressing room with oats? Apples?

Poor Angie showed absolutely no emotion in this performance.

And those kids in the front of the stage— they can’t peer up that dress? A slutty outfit does not equal a good singer.

A billions dollars, Nicki? She looks like a billion dollars? She may be able to clear a billion dollars in a million tricks. And what’s with the hoodie, Minaj? Is this some sort of Trayvon Martin message?

It’s clear that the judges are pushing for a female winner.. because this performance was sub-par, not stellar.

 

PAUL JOLLEY

Broadway Theatrics? And you don’t know where it’s coming from, Paul? Really?

Paul is like a girl that wants to be a model and can’t shake the IDEA of what models do. He does the same thing— picturing what a singer looks like when they sing and he just can’t shake those faces.

But… he sounded okay. Maybe he’s better than I thought!

Randy just claimed that he’s “not going to talk about the sexuality,” yet by saying that, he did. Nigel Lythgoe, producer of the show, has been attributed to a quote-rumor circulating about making sure a girl wins and, “outing Paul and Lazaro” if you have to… is this part of that challenge, Randy?

 

CANDICE GLOVER

I can’t stand violins. But other than that… I just can’t find anything at all to poke fun at with this. She’s downright awesome and has thrown herself into the competition with that performance.

And, Keith— don’t call her baby. It just sounds strange.

Mariah just admitted her skirt is too tight? Join the club.

And Ryan knows how to work a skirt, according to Mariah? Not news. Not news.

 

LAZARO ARBOS

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I  don’t know what was happening with the socks or shoes… But Lazaro needs a serious boost of self-confidence. It must be hard to feel any confidence when struggling with speech difficulty like he has dealt with his entire life. But he is lacking confidence— one little boost will lift him into this competition. Everybody loves an underdog, me included. And who can resist that face?

 

KREE HARRISON

Kree should win this whole competition, barring any major screw-ups. And thank God— because Kree knows what pants are!

And now, thanks to Nicki Minaj, I’m hungry for waffles. Thanks, Nicki.

 

BURNELL TAYLOR

Is Paisley back in and nobody told me? Should I head to the Salvation Army and clean ’em out?

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I’m sorry. I fell asleep. Can someone fill me in?

 

AMBER HOLCOMB

I’m glad she sang the original Idol song… the song that hooked me on the show from the start.

Normally I’d ask about the number of Cheetahs that were sacrificed for a dress/pants combo like that… but I actually thought she looked very nice.

More importantly, I was surprised at the generosity of Ms. Mariah Carey, who apparently loaned out her industrial hair-blowing fans for this performance.

Randy once again displays the show’s not-so-subtle bias against the males competing this year.

And thank you, Mariah, for acknowledging this blog’s above observations.

 

 

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