A Christmas Eve Rant: You Want What?

Do you know what Christmas song literally throws me over the edge? We Wish You a Merry Christmas!

No— they don’t wish you a Merry Christmas! The people singing that song– they– are a bunch of greedy, grubby-handed pigs!! The very same people that come to your house on Christmas, eat you out of house and home and then don’t know when to leave!

Don’t believe me? Take a look at the lyrics:

Oh, bring us a Figgy pudding!
Oh, bring us a Figgy pudding!
Oh, bring us a Figgy pudding!
And a cup of good cheer!

So these guests in my home are demanding Figgy pudding? What if I didn’t make any? What if the store sold out? Hell, what if the store didn’t even know what a Figgy pudding is? I don’t know what the heck a Figgy pudding is, as a matter of fact. Do you eat it with a spoon? So then I have to dirty dishes and spoons for you heathens, as well? Or is it one of those weird cake-like puddings that you can pick up and eat? And on top of all this, these drunk bastardshave the nerve to demand a good stiff drink, on top of the Figgy pudding? Just what I need: people that don’t like the food I’m serving, asking for something special– and now they’re gonna be loaded.

And it gets worse, yes it does!

We won’t go until we get some!
We won’t go until we get some!
We won’t go until we get some!
So bring it right here!

Call me crazy. But now they are issuing threats? Who are these people? Over Figgy pudding? Now I have met people that couldn’t take a hint. But these folks are downright belligerent– telling me that they’re not going to leave until I produce this pudding! Not only that, they want it served to them— they aren’t even willing to go to the kitchen and get it themselves! Bring it right here! So now they’re lazy, greedy, grubby-handed pigs!

If you come to my house this Christmas– you be prepared. Be prepared for me not to serve you ANY kind of pudding at all. If you want your damn Figgy pudding, bring it yourself.

Merry Christmas!

A Note From Nick:

Folks, I trot this story out every year, so get used to it. This started way back in 2001, when I was employed at 1370-WSPD in Toledo, Ohio. I was working as a lowly producer of the morning and afternoon radio programs… working a split shift, coming in from 6 AM to 9 AM and then returning for 3 PM to 6 PM. Unimaginable schedule… except it was the most fun I’ve ever had working. I’d love to have that job now, in fact. I screwed it up when I was not even 20 years old, due to the troubles of growing up…. but now I think I’ve matured to the level that I would master every aspect.

But, you can’t re-live life… only recall its special moments. And this— this was a special moment. We had a general manager of the building named Andy Stuart. Over the summer of 2001, he started recording and airing these ridiculous editorials. Sometimes they would be about politics or local businesses… but they got particularly absurd after 9/11. Every time one would air during the radio show, everyone in the studio would laugh.

So, I decided to record a parody of this crap just before Christmas. It was meant to be heard only by the other producer and the show hosts– off the air. I didn’t want to get fired for making fun of the big boss.

Well, I was able to skate out early one afternoon to go home and get dressed for the company Christmas party. Lo and behold, on my way to the party, I hear my editorial parody on the radio. Mr. Stuart would always end his with a nasal-ish sounding, “I’m Clear Channel’s Andy Stuart.” So, of course, I ended mine with, “I’m Clear Channel’s Nick Rokicki.” There was no denying who had done it.

I sure felt like a donkey walking into the Christmas party, where the afternoon host had a giant grin on his face, telling me that the bit was too funny not to air…. the general manager never said a word, though I’d like to think he chuckled if he heard it. The script to the bit went something like what you’ve read above, complete with music clips.



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